The Best Worst Year of my Life

I haven't blogged in a while because I haven't been able to really figure out how I've been feeling lately.  Tis not the words you expect to hear from a counselor, I know.   Feelings are supposed to be my expertise but lately you'd think I've deserved a bed at Brentwood.

I've had an extremely hard time reconciling this past year.  As usual, the new year has brought about much reflection and contemplation. Generally, this sort of things excites me and is a pleasant experience.  Not so much this year.  Probably because 2010 was quite possibly the worst year of my entire 28 years of existence. Honestly, I could go into a lot of things I hated about 2010 but the number one reason making it go down in history as the absolute worst year ever is that it was the year my Grandmommie passed away.  At first glance (and, let me tell you, it has been really hard to get past first glance), it has been a terrible, shocking, life-altering, traumatizing, horrifying and overwhelmingly painful experience to lose my Grandmommie.  A woman who wasn't just my grandmother, but a person who sacrificed part of her own life to raise me and guide me, to support and encourage me and to most importantly, love me unconditionally.  

This past year, I've tried hard to come to terms with her death and what her absence has meant for my life.  It's been difficult. Extremely. Difficult.  

Experiencing the death of a loved one and the grief that accompanies it, is not what one wakes up in the morning wishing for, however, I've learned that death and grieving, if approached in the right manner, have the potential to teach important life lessons. 

It's taken me a while to get to this place in my thinking, but what I've come to realize is that, it is only through accepting death that you can truly come to experience and appreciate life .  With that thought in mind, this past year, the WORST year of my life, has taught me the most important and BEST life lessons to date.

I've learned:

#1 - Time is precious and every day has to be lived with purpose and intent.  This understanding has propelled me into making some important, much needed life changes.  Changes that should of been made a while back but were sort of pushed aside and forgotten about because I thought I "had time".  These changes have brought about a renewed sense of hope and wonder in my life.  I still have a lot of work to do and still have some very important decisions to make in the near future, but for the first time in a very long time, I feel like my life is headed in the right direction and I feel an overwhelming sense of peace about it. 

#2 - As a counselor, experiencing death and grief has given me a greater understanding and ability to help reach others who are grieving, especially the students that I work with.  It's no coincidence that last school year, I didn't work with one student who had lost a loved one and this year I have worked with several.    I know now, without a doubt, that the experience of losing my Grandmommie was God divinely preparing me to work with students who were dealing with the same situation.

This year, I've worked with a student who lost three older brothers at the same time, all of whom were shot to death.  I've worked with two students (cousins) who each lost three siblings and three cousins at the same time due to a tragic drowning accident.  In addition to helping these particular students with their unimaginable experiences, I've worked with students who have lost their fathers, grandmothers and godmothers and even had the opportunity to encourage and offer support to co-workers who have lost family members.  I know for certain that had I not gone through the grieving process, I wouldn't have even known where to begin to help.

God's timing is perfect, even when it doesn't seem like it.

#3 - Things are just things.  When Grandmommie's belongings were being sorted through and her house was being cleaned out after she passed away, I was reminded that what we have isn't who we are.  The valuable things that she left behind had nothing to do with accumulated possesions and had everything to do with meaningful relationships.

The lesson she taught through her life and the legacy she left in death is one of service, compassion and love and that, my friends, is something that cannot be bought.

I miss her everyday and sometimes still have moments where I am overwhelmed with sadness and long for her presence so desperately.  I allow myself to feel the feelings but try not to stay there too long.  I like to wrap myself up in one of the beautiful quilts she made me because it feels like I'm wrapping myself in her love and when I'm there, I remind myself of the awesome privilege it is to be her granddaughter and a part of her amazing legacy.

Happy 2011!