Grief & Gratitude

Its almost been a month since my Grandmommie passed away. Wow, even as I type those words, it's  hard to believe. 

I've felt more emotions and feelings this past month alone than I have in my entire 27 years of life, and that's saying a lot.  I'm a counselor, you know?  So, emotions and feelings are my speciality, or so I thought.  I flucuate between overwhelming sadness and despair and profound and intense joy.  It's bizarre.  Yesterday as I was baking and decorating cupcakes, I found myself using a wooden spoon to scoot the ingredients I needed off the top shelf in the cabinet.  The one I can't reach because I am a true Phelps....short!  In the midst of my bootleg maneuvering, I started to laugh because I realized that I had seen my Grandmommie do this very thing more than once.  It was a good memory and brought about wonderful feelings of love, humor and adoration.  These are my favorite feelings and emotions and the ones I desperately try to hang on to.  Unfortunately, there are times that have been really difficult and I have to work really hard at not allowing the immense grief to completely swallow me.  Like, the first time I went to church with my parents and Grandmommie wasn't sitting in the pew beside us, or like last week when I had really great news to share and Grandmommie was the only person I really wanted to share it with. 

 In addition to all these feelings I've been having, I've also been learning life lessons through this experience.  Lessons that I am extremely thankful for....

1.  Life is precious and time is fleeting. 

This has been my first experience with the death of a close loved one.  There have been extended family members that have passed away during my life, but I've realized that the grief I felt during those times was really more for my family members who were close to those particular individuals.  Plus, I was much younger and death seemed so elusive and untouchable.  Now, I understand just how real it is.  Which, if I might add, is not the kind of epiphany one wishes to have.  However, the blessing in all of this is that by understanding how real death is, I also have come to understand how valuable life is.  This week when I was really missing Grandmommie and felt pretty depressed and hopeless, I was reminded (Thank you God, for Candace Chaney!) that death sucks, not life!

2.  Relationships really are most important

I've realized this past month how blessed I am to have so many friends and family who are supportive, loving and kind.  God has used so many people during this difficult time, to speak words of encouragement, offer warm hugs and create big belly laughs, all of which have been necessary for my sanity.  My best friend, Cassie, drove to Louisiana to be with me during the viewing and funeral and has continued to offer her love and encouragment, two of my favorite people and mentors, the Dukes, came in from Oklahoma to take part in the funeral and offer their love and have no doubt continued to cover my family in their prayers, my co-worker from Woodlawn, Ms. Rainey, and former co-workers from VOA, Daphne & Christolyn, attended the funeral to show their sympathy, my former boss and friend, Karen, sent me the most wonderful card in the mail with the sweetest words of encouragement, my dear friends, Jacqui & Matt, have been wonderfully empathetic and encouraging, my neighbor and friend, Toya, has offered a listening ear and sweet words of understanding, my amazing friend, Helen, has continued to make me laugh and has offered love, support and encouragement in ways only she can, and the list goes on and on and on and on....

I am so thankful that God has chosen to show his love and mercy to me time and time again through the sweet, meaningful relationships I have with all of the amazing people in my life.

3.  Gratitude is esential

I've realized that there is no better way to honor my Grandmommie and show how thankful I am for her influence on my life than to live my life in the way that she lived hers.  I want to be to others what my Grandmommie was to me.  I want to love and serve others without condition.  Her death makes me want to be a better person and live a better life.

Also, in reflecting on how thankful I am for the time I had with Grandmommie, I am reminded of others in my life that have been or continue to be examples of what I strive to be each day.  I have decided that I am going to start posting a "gratitude entry" each week on my blog to honor those people who have been such a blessing to me.


Whew!!  I think that's all.  For now........ :)