Wordless Wednesday.

Loss.

I miss my Grandmommie.  Terribly.

I can't believe it's almost been two years since her death and I also can't believe how gut-wrenchingly painful her loss still is.  She is still the first person I want to call when something exciting or awful happens. I wonder if that urge to talk to her will ever change and I wonder if I really want it to.

When she died, I tried to frame the entire experience in a way that would help me to make sense of her loss and to hopefully gain some valuable life lessons and I think I did.  I mean, I realized that death is inevitable and living life with intention and purpose is crucial.  I learned that a life lived in service and love are what really makes ones life meaningful.  My mind knows that I've been changed for the better because of her death but it doesn't really matter to me tonight because my heart is broken and there is a lot of pain gushing out.

I keep trying to look at the positive and think about good memories in the hopes that it will once again make sense to me but the truth is, it doesn't make sense to me and I'm beginning to wonder if maybe it never really has.  Two years later, I still miss her everyday and I can't believe that she isn't here.  I still can't go to her grave without weeping and sometimes I am so overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and loneliness for her that I all I can do is cry.

Maybe one day when I think of her I won't feel such a paralyzing loss but today is not that day.

Cold Weather Lesson #1

Pumping gas with bare hands at 6:30 am in 14 degree weather is never a good idea.  

Wear some gloves, girl!

Holla 2011; Hello 2012

"Ring out the old, ring in the new,

Ring, happy bells, across the snow:

The year is going, let him go;

Ring out the false, ring in the true."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

I'm sitting here swimming in gratefulness as I reflect over the past year because 2011 was pretty damn good to me.  I mean, seriously good to me.  The only complaint I have is that it was too short.

If you're like me, reflection always leads to much needed self-awareness that brings about the desire to do things differently and better. Therefore, I give you my resolutions.

I resolve to do more of the following in 2012:

• Going to church
• Exercising
• Reading poetry
• Balancing my checkbook
• Sending note cards 
• Saying thank-you
• Cooking
• Dating
• Making new friends
• Walking my dog (even in the snow)
• Turning my computer off at least an hour before I go to bed
• Traveling (day and extended trips)
• Listening to live music

So, I'm happily saying goodbye to 2011 and even more happily welcoming 2012 with gratitude in my heart, motivation in my quest to live my best life, sincere dedication to the work I believe I was put on the earth to do and with a sweet peacefulness in my spirit. 

I'll be home for Christmas....

My heart is happy and full tonight. 

This Holiday Season has been an excellent one filled with family, friends, quality time, reflection and a flood of sweet memories....old and new.  I'm looking forward to a very fantastic new year full of love, peace and joy.

A very Merry Christmas to you!

Giving Thanks 2011

I'm in NYC to celebrate Thanksgiving with my brother and I'm already having ridiculous amounts of fun. For example, in less than 24 hours of being here, these are snippets of conversations that could be heard around Apt 11, none of which were uttered by Jerry or myself. 

Enjoy:

"OMG! I need a lint brush now! I'm wearing blaaaaaaaaaaack!"

"Poor people shouldn't get married.  I mean, it's such an inconvenience."

"I've gotten so many compliments when I wear this coat.  Have you?"

"She has a vagina which means she has more qualifications to bake a pie than you."

"Get your liposuction and die!"

So, clearly, you can understand why my Thanksgiving Holiday is shaping up to be amazing and so much fun!

Speaking of Thanksgiving, I should do that now - you know, give thanks.  Here goes:

I'm, of course, thankful for my family and my friends. Duh.

I'm thankful for the opportunity to live and work in Chicago.  As it turns out, moving has been one of the best decisions I've ever made (for all kinds of reasons that I won't go in to here - who has the time? turkey is waiting to be eaten).  I am really starting to love my job and am falling in love with my students more and more every day. It's a long drive to and from the school everyday and its a challenge of epic proportions on most days, but I'm thankful that I get to be part of something amazing and important and quite possibly life-changing (for myself and my students).

I'm thankful for a fantastic roommate who is kind, thoughtful and quite frankly, downright enjoyable.  She can't multi-task to save her life but she does overlook my mess, she loves Salt-N-Pepa and SWV, she takes me with her to craft fairs and she drops me off/picks me up from the airport (even when she has to wake up at the ass crack of dawn).  Most importantly though, she knows exactly what kind of drink I like from Sonic and has surprised me with said drink on more than one occasion. She's fantastic and I'm grateful.

I'm thankful for my health and the fact that I'm 23 pounds lighter this Thanksgiving than I was last Thanksgiving.  

I'm thankful for art and music and the impact it has on my life and being.  And, for people like Ms. Duhon who cultivated my love and appreciation for such.

I'm thankful for mentors in my life who took time to acknowledge and encourage me when I needed it most.  

And, I'm thankful for my blog and the ability to express my thoughts and feelings in a way that helps me make sense of them all while hopefully encouraging, inspiring and entertaining others as well.

Happy Thanksgiving.